Very tough and emotional day and night. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I am writing this.
Looking at this picture I remember all "our " hopes and dreams and what we had and what we
experienced together.

I feel like am still in a dream world. I can’t believe he is gone. Somehow my mind has tricked me into thinking
that he will be coming home soon. Like what Christopher says.

I know he isn’t coming home soon. Not at all.

After I dropped off Christopher at Day Care I went to the cemetery, it was raining so I just sat in my car with my Tim’s and cried.

The only light and life I have left in my eyes, my heart and soul is for Christopher. Even then, I find it hard to continue to move forward
as I only see the years ahead of me watching my son grow up without his father and me trying to do my best as a mother.

I love my son very much and at times I can’t believe he is mine (we used to say when we looked at him "he’s ours, we made him."

I want to provide everything I can for him, and raise him to know what is right and what is wrong. To respect people, animals and the planet. To learn
and experience life to the fullest.

Easy for me to say as I couldn’t care less about experiencing life to the fullest any longer, it was ripped away from me and I don’t want to reach
out again. A person can take only so much in one’s life, getting knocked down time after time after time begins to wear thin.  Yeah I realize that there are people out there far worse off than me. I know this and fully acknowledge it, but my pain is real, my despair is real.

Anyway. I will try to perform for my son so at least he can take life and run with it. I’m done.