were driving home from Tammy’s. It was Nick’s 4th birthday today and
we went over for cake. The boys had a good time.
As we were leaving driving up her street, I started to panic, I had this
sense of being alone, scared and lost all at the same time. Tears began
to flow, I tried not to show Christopher.
When we got home I went straight to the washroom and cried and cried.
Reality sunk in again… knowing that Rich is gone and will always be gone
brought panic, fear and dread.
I dried my eyes and got Christopher in the tub. He was dirty from his play
at Nick’s house.
While bathing him, I glanced up out to the hall wall to where Rich’s picture
hung, I cried a little too.
I can’t believe it still.
Christopher is in bed now. He had a good day at school and he had a good night.
I try to keep him busy and his nights busy.
My nights I can’t wait for…sleep is my friend…it always has been. Lately, I haven’t
had a solid nights sleep. I am tired. I try and tell people close to me but they don’t seem
to grasp it. They but in and say well you should have my kind of day or this is how I am feeling
all the time and so on… I then become quiet and not say another word.
When I say I need a break, they don’t understand. The constant drain on my emotions, mental state
and physical state from Rich’s sudden death is taking its toll.
I am trying to keep going as best as I can though my body is screaming to slow down and relax.
I am in constant pain. My legs, feet, ankles, hips ache with pain. Walking or standing for periods of
time is painful. Headaches are a constant friend of mine as well.
Well I got to go now.