He clarified and confirmed a lot things for me.
I also saw him the night of Rich’s official death.
Though this clarification was good but on the other
hand I am very very sad and troubled by it.
Childhood can really screw or mess up a person’s head.
The feeling or thinking of not being loved or wanted or
mattered can affect a child’s perception of the world and
how he fits or plays a role in it.
Family dynamics as well play an important role in a child’s
intellectual and emotional development. The notion of not
measuring up, the feeling of not being smart enough or successful
enough, of not fitting in (in a group or crowd) even when you
are in it can cause psychological issues.
These things I’m told can hamper or stunt a person from maturing,
maturing naturally to adulthood. In some cases, cause a person to develop
in themselves personality traits for example, fetishes, or ways to deal with the
lack of love, acceptance and a sense of well being. Some of these things
could and can lead to addictions and other troubling actions or patterns.
I saw the potential, the greatness, the beauty, the love, the kindness
and many other qualities in my husband Rich. I saw a man who really
didn’t have a great father figure in his early life, turn out to be the best
father in the world to our son. I saw a man who cared about
animals, about people, about his home, and his job.
I experienced a man who loved me for me. Who would have done
anything for me and did. I experienced a man who would not let me help
him with his demons. I don’t understand why, I thought we had
a very open relationship, we talked about anything.
In the end…he didn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to reach out. All he
had to do is reach out. I would have enveloped him with love and would
have tried to understand and assist him in what he needed to do.
That is what love is all about.
That is what marriage vows are all about.
I didn’t stand up at that alter September 30th, 2006
to mouth the vows before God and our family and friends.
I meant every word. I thought he did the same.
I question his faith in me, I question his trust in me,
I question his respect in me.
Was I too strong of a personality, strong within myself that he could
not let me see that he was in need or weak?
This is why I am sad and troubled.
I am sad that my husband couldn’t wouldn’t
come to me when he needed me the most.
I am very very sad.
I feel that I have let him down.
Let us down.
I know he let me down…