Never the same

Friday September 19, 2008 started out okay and ended not too bad. It was the in between times
that got me. First I dropped Christopher off at daycare, I cried after I did that like I normally do,
more so now with Rich gone. I then after different tries to reach the house insurance office on Bethune
Street, (bloody construction…gone on way too long on Alymer Street) learned that the house insurance can
not be put fully into my name until my lawyer has changed everything into my name. Rich I guess
didn’t realize when we had the house deed changed into both names he was suppose to have the insurance
changed as well. I am listed on it but not as owner.

I then went to my bank to cash my pay cheque and then I headed to the Ptbo. Utilities to have that changed over.
All of this can play on your emotions as you have to present a death certificate and explain why this had to be done.

I then went to St. Luke’s for the first meetings of moms at the church. I was early so I headed for the church part.
As soon as I walked through the doors and the alter, my tears started to flow. I have only been back to church
once since Rich died, I walked to the back or front of the church and sat down in the last pew. A few feet from
 where we use to sit as a family. I tried to hold back the tears but they flowed. I asked God WHY! Why did you take him from me?
I got a reply…it was his destiny. Not what I wanted to hear.

I don’t care for God much at the moment.
I asked why didn’t you take me?
I got a reply…you have many people to help.
I replied back….the one person who I love the most I couldn’t help!!!
I said I don’t want to help anyone else…the one person that needed my help I couldn’t help.
I am angry with myself. Angry with GOD and the forces that be for not aiding Rich when he needed them
the most. I am angry that God and the forces that be for not alerting me to his problems, to assist him, to help him,
to save him.
GOD let me down BIG TIME and no one will change my mind on that.

After my little conversation with "GOD" I went downstairs to join the group. It went well.

I then picked up Tammy and we went to lunch at Hot Belly Mama’s. We had a good chat. We then went to Chapters.

I came home and something arrived in the mail that was a surprise but also a reminder of what I have lost and the cost of what
I have lost.

You see, I still feel in many ways that Rich is coming back. That he is away on a trip or at work and will come home soon.
Then when reality sinks in panic, fear and total despair washes over me. It can be over powering.

I went and laid down in our bed and hugged my pillow crying calling his name out. I cried and cried and cried. The pain was so deep so real
and so heavy.

I miss him so. I miss us. I miss him with Christopher. He was such a wonderful dad. He had this instinct that amazed me. He
was a wonderful husband and friend.

On the night of June 14, 2008, I lost a lot that night. More than anyone knows. All of them have gone on.
Christopher and I live moment by
moment with the knowledge that Rich is not coming back and that our lives have changed forever.

Just this morning my sister made a flippant remark about how I have to move on without him.
I plan not to discuss my feelings or sorrow with them again (family) as they don’t understand nor do
they seem to realize how deep the pain really is.

They don’t want to hear me anymore. They don’t want to see it anymore. They have moved on.
When they ask…if they do which I doubt they will how I am I will say fine and no more.

I have to find someone who has a truck and pay them to pick up my garbage and stuff that I cleaned out of the basement.
I was promised that it would be done 4 weeks ago and then last week I was promised. I have a big pile of stuff in my back yard
ready to go. I can’t depend on anyone and I should have known better as their track record is their calling card.

They are good at suggesting and saying oh don’t do that I will do that for you…to save me money…yeah right. Next year maybe.

I let them say what they have to say…make them feel good but I will do what I need to do….cause I know it won’t get done if I don’t.

Anyway life goes on even though I wish it didn’t for me. 
There is no point in it. A waste of my breath…and their time.

About Spiritual Gal

Carolanne is Medium, an Angel Intuitive, Akashic Record Consultant, Integrated Energy Therapist, and Chakra/Crystal Alignment Therapist who works primarily with the angel realm, Ascended Masters and Lords of the Akashic Records with the intention of helping others on their spiritual path or guidance in any area of their lives. Carolanne is currently accepting clients who would like to experience this form of learning, remembering who their souls are and healing. Please check out her web page for further information about Akashic Record readings, IET healing, Angel Intuitive/Angel Card Readings.
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