ache and then I have a hard time getting to sleep.
Well, tonight after watching my soap, I tried to go to sleep. My thoughts drifted as they normally do now to Rich
and that fact that he is gone forever. The though of that is so over whelming and final. I can’t seem to fully comprehend
When the thought comes into my head… I am almost paralyzed. When I look at his picture, the pictures of our wedding
day and how happy he looked. How handsome he looked. I look away in tears, dread and the knowing that life as I know it will never
be the same. A very important part of me is missing. It is like a piece of the puzzle is missing and nothing can replace it or fit into that particular
Thinking and feeling the loss is so surreal so daunting that I tear up and panic sets in or it tries to.
I knew this was going to happen, but I didn’t know when or how. Oh I know why…The universe has it in for me, from day one.
I knew… I just knew. Many positive things that have happened in my life are taken from me or they are out of reach. Like I have mentioned before, not here but in the past, that wonderful things are placed metaphorically out of reach, like they are on a high shelf teasing me. Like a young child
trying to reach candy from the counter but can’t get it because the counter is too high…
Rich was one of those things. Is Christopher next?
What else can the universe do to me?
I am already in battle and on the defense with Rich’s family what is next?
I did not program for this to happen…I foresaw it and tried and prayed to have it changed.
The universe carried out its plan, its goal and the fall out is me and Christopher dealing with Rich’s death
for the rest of our lives. I don’t see the future, I don’t see anymore happiness there. Yeah sure, Christopher will bring me joy, laughter
and love and happiness but it will not be the same.
My life partner is gone. My soul partner is gone. My strength is gone. My friend is gone. My lover is gone.
Everything that I new, dreamt about and hoped for is gone. My everything is gone. What makes me get up in the morning is Christopher.
He is what keeps me going though unfortunately there is something deep inside me that is keeping me here and I don’t like it one bit.
I don’t like living alone, yes I have Christopher…not the same.
I don’t like to put the garbage or the recycling out every Wednesday night.
I don’t like going to bed alone anymore.
I don’t like not having my feet rubbed.
I don’t like coming home at night after work to an empty house. Yes my cats greet me but not the same.
I don’t like having to raise Christopher alone (by myself).
I don’t like having to deal with these feelings and feel sick to my stomach when I think of death.
I don’t like death and I don’t like living.
I don’t like God and I don’t like me.
I don’t like Rich at times…leaving me hear to go it alone.
I don’t like to see people happy at the moment because I am not happy.
I don’t want to move on. I want my life back. I want Rich back. I want the father of my son back.
I want my husband and my best friend back.
I want God to give him back to me.
GOD DO YOU HEAR ME?
DO YOU SEE ME?
DO EVEN KNOW ME?
GOD ARE YOU THERE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOD?
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?