I sensed Rich’s presence tonight, I feel he is around me now.
I have this sadness, this icky feeling–feelings like I had months before.
I am trying to get by them.
I am trying not to let them take over as they can easily do.

Feelings of being scared, not at ease with myself.
My mind is not focused on any one thing.
Reading is my only release but my eyes get too tired.
I only get to read when Christopher is in bed, by then I am tried.

Mike came over tonight, I called him on the way home tonight and asked him if he would come over.
He thought I was crying… I wasn’t my cold makes my voice sound like that.

He came over and we went downstairs. I got a de Ja Vue.
I remarked to him, something is missing. I clarified that by saying someone is missing, don’t you feel it?
He said yeah but you have move on not think about it.

I felt Rich’s presence then too! I think he was there watching Christopher interacting with Mike.
I know Rich is sad. I feel it.
I feel his pain, his regrets and sorrow.
Maybe that is the icky feelings I have been experiencing all night.

When will this pain go away?
When will this hollowness go?
When will this emptiness leave?
When will this despair leave me?

I look at my son and feel so much love for him.
I see a very special little person and the soul encompassing around him is so
special, unique.
I see my beloved Rich in him. Living in him.

I see my son without his daddy.
That makes me very very very sad.
Very scared.

Will I every find that part of me that died with Rich?
Will I ever recover from this?

I slowly move forward I don’t have much choice the world carries on.
It carries on and it won’t let me get off even for a little bit to catch my breath.

At times I feel very scared.
Scared.
Afraid.
I don’t like these feelings, in fact I hate these feelings.
I wish they would go away and not come back.
I try to focus on other things but in the background they are there
waiting for me to let my guard down.

I love Rich. I will always love Rich. He is apart of me.

Good night.