My pirate-Christopher… he had a great time trick or treating Friday night with his pal Nick.
Five years ago October 31, 2003 I moved in with Rich. I remember Tammy coming over to my house to help me get all my clothes into the car and helped me pack the rest of my things for the big move the next day. She came with me to Rich’s house to help with my clothes. Rich had made room for me in his closet, he made room for me in the bathroom too. I put a lot of my clothes in the spare room too!
I remember Tammy and I sitting downstairs in the basement talking about how lucky I was and what a nice guy I had.
Tammy went home and I set out to make Rich one of my great spaghetti dinners. I remember I couldn’t wait for him to come home from work. It almost felt like playing house. I smile at this memory now. When I heard him come into the kitchen and saw the look on his face I felt so much
love and warmth. I was home!
I knew he liked me being here in ‘his’ home and now it was ours. He wanted me to feel at home. I remember that night after dinner we washed up the dishes and got ready for the trick or treaters. We didn’t get many. Tammy and her son came over especially for our first trick or treat together.
After things settled down we watch the movie Halloween. I never saw it before.
The next few days, Rich went out of his way to make the transition from me living at the family home in the country to me living in the city.
The spare room became my sanctuary where my pullout couch, stereo, tv and book shelves lived. He put up all my pictures in that room and down the hall. He wanted me to feel home.
I was feeling a little homesick because our family home after 28 years was sold and my mom wast moving the week after I moved. It was taugh
saying goodbye to all you knew and the memories…some good…some not so good.
This Halloween, though I tried not to make a big deal of it…hit home hard. Memories.
Rich loved Halloween like I do. He liked to get the house decorated up and the outside as well.
He would have been so proud of Christopher walking up to a door most of the time by himself and saying trick or treat.
I thought of this most of the time we were out.
I thought he should have been here to experience this with us.
I have a hard time seeing couples especially with children. They remind me what I don’t have anymore.
To day…Sunday was not a great day for me or Christopher. He seemed to not want to do anything I asked him to do.
I don’t want to relive this day at all.
He is sleeping now …his cold his almost gone.
Mine is not…
My throat is very sore again tonight.
I cried a lot today….
I told Rich in my mind that I hated him….
I screamed in my mind that I hated him…
Hoping he heard me in his spiritual realm.
We were out in the backyard this afternoon.
I tried to change Christopher’s mood along with mine.
He played with his wagon and the leaves while I cut the dead stuff out of the garden.
We went back in side. His mood didn’t change.
His mood didn’t change until after his bath.
Now he is asleep.
While I was outside today looking around couldn’t help but think of
what dreams and plans we had Rich and I. Now they will not be realized.
After 4.5 months I still can’t fully believe that he is gone and will never come back.
He is 6 feet under in an unmarked grave at the moment all alone.
Not a lot things right now can or will console me.
The only thing that can can console me would be him.
To day I thought about not living.
Wanting to just let go and no longer be.
I am tired
I am tired of it all
I am tired keeping up the act
I am tired of every thing.
I can’t….let go….
The reason is Christopher
I resent him sometimes because I can’t just go
I can’t just lie down and crawl in bed and never get up
I resent him sometimes because I am forced to keep going.
Sad isn’t it.