Today is Father’s Day…a sad day really.
Christopher and I went to the grave site, I brought some flowers.
I started to cry.
Christopher was okay and I thank God he is.
We stood side by side and spoke to Rich wishing him a happy father’s day.
I reminded Christopher of how much his father loved him and will always love him.
His father would be always there (I patted his chest where his heart is to indicate where his daddy was).
I broke down and began to sob I tried not to but I couldn’t stop.
Rich was such a wonderful daddy and I feel so so sad that he isn’t here to be that wonderful daddy.
I also cried for my son.
Not having this wonderful man in his life anymore.
I am crying as I write this….
Sometimes I just don’t want to go on but I must for my son’s sake.
I can’t leave him too. He needs me.
My life is only half full… I am trying, I am doing my best.
I don’t have a lot of support I have some in which I am very grateful.
I am going it a lone.
A lone seems to be my road right now.
I am just tired.
Last night I cried because it hit me that I am truly alone and it frightened me.
When Rich was alive I felt for the first time in years truly safe, and loved.
Yes my son loves me…but what I am feeling is totally different.
To feel so alone in the world and responsible for another is very daunting.
Sometimes I want to retreat and not come out, hide and just fade away.
No one would miss me really…only my little boy.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost drifting through this world.
I miss my beloved.
I miss him beyond any words I can delve up.
My life changed June 14, 2008.
A good part of me is gone and I don’t think I will every get her back. It went with him, it died with him.
Fragments are still here coping and trying to move a head to see light at the end……………………